Assertive, Not Aggressive

By: Uncle Books

ASSERT YOUR GUIDANCE AS A PARENT: DO NOT HURT THE FUTURE OF YOUR CHILD! 

Your child tries his hardest and has his own aspirations and hobbies, he wants to do what he wants to do with his life, how do you know that he won’t succeed at it yet you don’t want to give him his whole life? Reading story books to children in Africa, there is this question I have always asked children: 

What would you want to be changed at home if you are to live a happy and a healthy life? 

“I want my father to give me back my life. He sets impossible goals that keep running away from me and I am the one to blame; not the teachers, not him, nor the school that set impossible standards for me”, responded Desmond, 14. This response, as strange as it may sound coming from a junior, was no surprise to me and represents the hard, ignored reality that many parents are aggressive – not assertive – in voicing their opinion of what is deserving and undeserving for their children. In the end, they mess up the future of the child. 

“When I get bad grades, he yells at me; when I get good grades, he tells me to improve” explained 14-year-old Desmond, who now suffers from panic attacks. He believes that he has no life ahead of him. He thinks that nothing is ever good enough and nothing will ever be good enough. He believes that nothing will ever be enough until he is the best. But he cannot be the best. Actually, no thing, which is existing, is the best. 

Interesting, Desmond’s dad brags about the many strokes of the Cain he received at school because his father wanted him to succeed academically as a medical surgeon. Yet, when asked about his father’s dream, he did not actually achieve it. I may argue that had his father exhibited assertiveness and not aggressiveness, he would have achieved his childhood dream of instead becoming a painter. Legend has it that when his father passed on, he started going out with his peers, drinking, sleeping around with women and ended up dropping out of school. 

My humble opinion is that parents should be open, direct, and honest in their communication while valuing, respecting, and listening to their children. As Khalil Gibran said in his book, Prophet, and I will paraphrase: 

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life longing for itself. They come through you but not from you and though they are with you, they do not belong to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow.”