Education and Happiness?
When I lived in Uganda, I asked Mothers and Fathers what they wanted for their children; they all said education. But education is not mentioned much by parents in the USA as a response to what we want for our kids. We take education for granted. Here, we spend $12 700.00 per learner on education a year; in Uganda it is $57.00. Our teachers know how to read; in Uganda 80% of public school teachers for 10 year old’s can’t read.
Instead, parents in the USA say happiness is what they want for their kids.But what does happiness or education even mean? I think for both parents in Africa and the USA, education means preparing our children for the real world. In Uganda the assumption is education brings success. In the USA we feel happiness is success. We all know that education is more than memorisation, facts, STEM, dates, tests, assessments, research, and geography. Thomas H. Huxley said, “The most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the things you have to do, when they ought to be done, whether you like it or not; It is the 1st lesson that ought to be learned; and however early a man’s training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly.”
Embedded in Huxley’s statement is the need for self-discipline, executive functioning, solution thinking, optimism and a host of other accomplishments, success- or action-oriented virtues and values. We all have friends that were intellectually smart in high school and now can’t hold down a job, suck at relationships and don’t use their car’s blinker because it’s too big of a commitment. Learning simple things like keeping commitments, following through on promises and allowing people to depend on you seemed to never get developed as part of their “education”. They could memorise, they could be wizzes at math but those skills did not translate to life skills that help them form healthy relationships, get jobs and enjoy hanging out with themselves. Memorisation does not get you the job. A quick google search of what employers want most from employees is teamwork, coachability, co-operative skills, the ability to problem solve and find solutions, good written and verbal communication aptitude, and a strong work ethic among others. Few jobs require mastery of memorisation; knowing which year the war of 1812 was fought is much less important than why it was fought and how learning about that conflict helps our brains think about current problems and conflict resolution. Parents both in Uganda and the USA need to think about “happiness” as a key bit of their child’s education. I will ask a few questions to help start this: Do you want to work for a happy or unhappy boss? If you are a boss, do you want to hire a happy or unhappy person? If your child is to be married, do you want them to marry a happy or unhappy person? Do you want happy friends? From Kampala to Toronto to Michigan, when I have asked these questions of parents, I am happy to say that I have never gotten anything but “happy” as the answer.
There have been many studies of happiness; happiness has almost become a movement now among therapists, some educators, and mental health professionals. But what is happiness? My mom, an expert on everything, says, “Happiness is the relaxed enjoyment of life.” But I think she read that somewhere. Buddha said, “There is no path to happiness; happiness is the path.” I think each of us will have our own definition that is somewhere between Mom’s and Buddha’s. What we do know is that happiness does not come from a bottle, drug, smoking, or eating donuts. However, really enjoying every aspect of mindfully consuming that donut is a happy experience. Our high school friends that can’t hold a job often fell into the trap of filling their life with short, happy experiences like drugs, drinking, sleeping in, junk food, and a group of friends that gave them acceptance for that lifestyle. Often those experiences are to cover up a healthy relationship-starved, stale life.
When I would pause after the questions about happiness in my parenting talks, I would ask next, “When do you feel happy?”. The answers tended towards the participants feeling respected. For children, love is time; for adults I think active love might move a bit more towards feeling respected, acceptance and seeing the best in others.
Something we need to think about is how to bring happiness into parenting. Parenting is hard today, but it has always been hard. Kids turning out okay does not just happen by chance. It happens because the parents and caregivers care and work to create an environment for that child to have a good chance of succeeding. Safety from fear, healthy food, secure relationships, and parents and caregivers that are not angry, violent, mean, addicted and exhibit healthy habits and good relationship skills are what children need.
Shaming, blaming, and complaining about a child’s behaviour does little good. Telling them exactly what you expect does more good but mostly, adults and kids learn by example. The dad that comes home from work and says, “Work sucks. Another bad day. I need a beer,” as he yells at his children to be quiet and quit fighting, is not instilling values and positive self-talk in his children which are helpful for creating a successful and happy adult. He is telling the child to dread work and on those tough days the antidote is anger and alcohol. Today it might be CBD oil, or something stronger. It is helpful if we can think of our children’s self-image and self-talk as something that revolves around character strengths like resilience, fortitude, optimism, self-discipline, love and solution finding. One thing we can do for our children is help them identify their character strengths and give examples of using them in our own life. For example, Dad can say, “Work was tough today but I feel successful because I had the discipline to get it done. I think I might have a solution about today’s problems, so I am feeling optimistic about tomorrow. Let’s go for a walk and see if the geese have pooped all over the dock down at the Northport marina.”
In our parenting work in Africa, we call character strengths superpowers and have a postcard that we hand out to help guide parents to look for their children’s superpowers and point them out. The superpower character postcard list is and available to download and print on the Families First website or here. Pointing out children’s character strengths reinforces those attributes in the child you wish to nourish. Children love and respect you, so your words have power with them. Those words are especially important as an antidote to hate, depression, victimhood, laziness, greed, ignorance, and anger. Saying, “Wow I liked how you helped your brother tie his shoes. That showed friendship, generosity, and dependability. I also liked how cheerful and respectful you were. I know it’s hard being a big brother sometimes but thank you for being so caring,”reinforces what you want and helps your child know what you expect in a way they will remember.It encourages positive character strengths and values.
My dad was principal at Glen Lake elementary school when I was growing up. He loved kids and when I got older he whispered to me, “You know Paul, kids are naïve, tell them they are smart and they will believe you.” Parents, your words and example have power. What are your superpowers? I will bet patience, curiosity, self-discipline, honesty, love and seeing the best in others are some of the character strengths you possess, which will work to the benefit of fostering a healthy, happy, safe and loving environment for your family. Remember, happiness is an important part of your child’s education journey.
By Paul H. Sutherland
STEPi Founder and CEO
You can read and share this article here that is featured in Families First Monthly as well.